Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Epic Sport Failure

I try to write funny things. And I fail. I think it’s because I have a dry sense of humor. Perhaps it’s because I like rules, and I follow them. I would never think to include hand drawn (ridiculously bad but heartwarmingly cute) pictures in my blog.

I can’t speak authoritatively about anything, because I’m not particularly good at anything—and at the same time, I’m not bad at anything either. Except sports…
So I have this friend, who every time he sees me the first thing he does after we greet is begin his talking about sports: “Something, something, something … extra inning… goal post… something else about jersey.” I wanted to blame my inability for sports talk on being gay.

“I don’t play sports… my hand eye coordination sucks. I have a hard time…” never mind. But that doesn’t quite work, because one would think that being a gay guy, I would enjoy watching men tackle each other while stumbling for a ball which has to pass over a certain line.

I started thinking about this inability to even enjoy sports. Why do I find it so… boring? Why is it that when I see any sort of sport thing on TV, I immediately switch to something else. Or, if I’m at a bar, I find something else to do—like shred my beer label into tiny little pieces, or fold my napkin into an origami crane (true story).

I have an English, BA—so it can’t be that I don’t comprehend the terminology. “A touchdown” isn’t that hard to understand. You take the ball and eventually it “touches down.” A “Home Run” is exactly that—you hit the ball so hard that you get to run home for it. An “inning” is obviously in reference to some sort of time period—thus when someone says “Wow, the Rockies went into a 9th inning,” I understand this “inning” must be rather special and rare. Soccer is of course the easiest of sports to understand. You have a goalie (who guards the goal) and offensive and defensive parts of a team, so on and so forth. But do I enjoy watching it? Heck no. Would I ever sacrifice my day for a game? Hell no.
I think, thus, the best explanation for my inability to like sports is that I have something called Sports ADHD. I don’t have real ADHD, and I’m pretty sure ridilin would not be beneficial to me. However, my Sports ADHD is truly saddening because sometimes I feel like I am missing out on some sort of awesome interaction with some awesome people. That my lack of awesomeness is determined by my Sports ADHD. I mean, I should be able to get into baseball—it’s quite exciting in a way. You have a team of guys in nylon-cotton mix overly baggy but somehow still tight uniforms with stripes and colors. They have a cool decal signaling who they are—I can recognize the Rockies symbol, and the Red Sox symbol or the New York Yankees symbol. That’s all fine and dandy. But then there is the pace of the game. You get a team who gets to “bat” first.. And they go until they get three strikes (aka no one hits the ball). Then I consider wrestling or boxing. Heck, I have a little bit of a dark side, I should enjoy watching guys choking each other or punching each other in the gut—especially when is in a sport defined “A-Ok” atmosphere. Football can be rather exciting—you have guys who are big and strong and overall good athletes. Although some of them are dumber than a box of rocks, they’re cute and date hot actresses and singers… and then they have cheerleaders and…And … oh forget it just writing about it makes me bored. I’ve already found four interesting sites about nude base….never mind.

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